If my DNA ever gets tested, I’m fully prepared for the lab technician to call me in a concerned whisper: “Ma’am… your report shows traces of Ursus americanus .” A bear. Not metaphorically. Biologically.

And honestly? I would simply say, “My body has been buffering since late October, and given the amount of hair I have on my body, I didn’t really need a DNA test to figure that out.”